I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
The Olympian is in my bed
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
