I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
