I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
