They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
