Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
