Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
