dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
honey bunches of taint.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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