I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
