Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
