Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
