I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
