John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
