hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
