Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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