I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
