Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
