Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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