i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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