if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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