i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
the day after is always just damage control
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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