Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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