how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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