Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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