Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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