atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Randomize
