My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Randomize
