i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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