I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
