walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
