My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
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