I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
