Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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