He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
