but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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