the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
