I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
don't judge my taste in strippers
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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