I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
