im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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