I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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