Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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