so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
