hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
