I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
