I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
