I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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