Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
