My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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