There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm getting married
To pizza
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
