Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
