he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Let's paint friendship bongs
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
